2016 Wimbledon Predictions

Judging from Djokovic's unfair treatment at the Australian Open this year by the pro-RF organizers, judging from the way the UK press handled him last year, judging from the way slam draws tend to favour RF (regardless of his ranking) - especially at Wimbledon, judging from the unprecedented effort in the tennis world and the media to have Djokovic toppled from the top and discredited as a person, and other facts, I've made the following predictions about the most overrated grand slam of the season.

2016 Wimbledon Predictions

1) London officials will misspell Novak's name as "Novook Djerkovicz" during his 3rd-round match, and then pretend that it was a "computer error". The Sun will claim that ISIS hacked Wimbledon's computers, while The Observer will offer "evidence" that Ancient Aliens are responsible for the computer malfunction. 

2) During the QF match, his name will again be misspelled, this time as "Novork Djokovic". The organizers won't even make a serious attempt to invent an excuse but a spokesperson will simply shrug their shoulders and say that "we spelled it better than last time, at least". He will grin as he says this, and the assembled press will burst into bouts of giggling.

 
3) Federer will make snide, underhanded, read-between-the-lines comments about Djokovic during a press conference, but all journalists present will pretend they didn't understand it and won't report it as RF behaving like an envious ass yet again.

Apparently even the "genius Maestro" isn't capable of preventing the "impossible" from occurring - the NOLE SLAM. In fact, by losing THREE times (Wimby, USO and AO) in the last 4 slams to Novak, the "genius" has immortalized himself in the NOLE SLAM! Roger, aren't you proud? You couldn't win the ROGER SLAM but at least you made it into the NOLE SLAM in a supporting role.

 I like writing NOLE SLAM. There, I dood it again! NOLE SLAM. The western press hate talking about the NOLE SLAM, for whatever non-biased reason non-related to their non-preference for non-ROGER-SLAM-winning non-GOAT Federer.

But what I really wanted to discuss here is the Swiss "Maestro" holding an extremely flattering banner of himself. Such a display of modesty, right? Should Novak Djokovic ever decide to come at a meter's distance away from a banner that said "Djokovic! Quiet! Genius At Work" - especially on British soil - the press would be all over him for megalomania and he'd be accused of showing off and being an asshole.

4) Wimbledon's organizers will make sure the same ball-girl that Novak allegedly screamed at in 2015 is hired on the day of the finale between him and Federer. Except that this time the girl will be instructed to wear a Federer badge, which only Novak will be able to see whenever he gets the towel. Furthermore, all the ball-girls and ball-boys will be instructed to whisper "we hope you lose to our Swiss Lord Messiah" whenever Novak is in close range. (The Wimbledon organizers or even working on ways to trip the Serb during a big point without anyone seeing it.) BBC's microphones will pick up the words, but will beep them out of the live stream so that there is no evidence of provocation. All of the UK press will be informed of this evil plan, and their photographers will be waiting for Novak to make the slightest gesture that can later be manipulated into a daft "Novak hates children" non-story.

5) During a match delay break, a smiling Novak will hand over his racket to a 14 year-old ball-girl to play a few shots with, as a friendly gesture. The next day all of Britain's press will be blaming Djokovic for "sexual harassment at the work place" and for "pedophilic flirtation". Fedtards will demand that Novak be disqualified from the tournament, banned from tennis and thrown into jail, with a petition to that effect signed by 288,000 rabid UK fedtards.

The British yellow press doing what it does best - ejecting more diarrhea for lobotomized readers.

Fedtards, try not to get too excited. This is just a a satirical fictional piece.

6) Sereno Williams will win yet again, and nobody in the press will dare question how it is that at age 35 he dominates like that, nor will they dare mention doping in a Sereno context, let alone bring up the fact that he isn't a woman and that a hormone test could prove that Sereno is in fact the manliest tennis pro of all time.

7) Sereno will threaten an umpire with a "f**king good old-fashioned ghetto ass-whooping" but will not be disqualified or even warned, and none of the press will criticize him for it. At the next match Sereno will break his racket over a line-judge's head, but will only get a point taken away because the lineswoman is English, blue-eyed, pretty and blonde. He will then punch a player in the locker-room after that match, but footage of the assault will mysteriously disappear (thanks to Wimbledon's organizers) and Sereno will be cleared of all accusations. During a doubles warm-up with his sister Penus, Sereno will wobble around the court like a drunken hippo, smashing chairs and breaking people's legs as he falls about. Despite all this, the politically-correct braindead British press will give Sereno a "Fairness Award" and also proclaim him "Sexiest WTA Player".

8) The corrupt British officials might once again ignore the official world rankings and seed Federer as no 2, Murray as no 3, which could open the chance for the draw to be manipulated in such a way so that Novak has to beat both Murray and Federer (in that order) to win the title. In other words, Djokovic and Murray - as no 1 and no 2 in the world - could be drawn to play each other in the SFs which would be scandalously unfair but wouldn't be recognized as such by the rabidly pro-RF media.

After the seeding: they haven't done this. Perhaps they felt it was too obvious pro-RF favouritism.

A scene that throws the entire British island simultaneously into fury and depression, a scene that must be prevented at all cost. The mission to stop Novak from winning 5 slams in a row (and 3 Wimbledon titles in succession) is in full swing. If Novak so much as farts in the wrong direction, he will have to deal with the wrath of the entire UK press and millions of British fedtards.
  
Novak has so far won prestigious titles in London a whopping SEVEN times (3 Wimbys and 4 Masters Cups), a fact that is crushing the British spirit bit by bit. How many British fedtards have already considered committing harakiri with a Swiss army knife? Who knows. If Novak should win a few more titles in London perhaps he might be accused of genocide by the Church of Fedtardology.

9) Djokovic's far tougher draw. As usual, Novak's path to the finale will be tougher than Federer's, at least on paper. Novak's half of the draw will have a lot more in-form players and grass experts than RF's half. The Serb will get the best unseeded grass players in his eighth of the draw: Mahut, Verdasco, Florian Mayer, Stepanek, Rosol, Brown and Haase; at least one of them will be his 1st/2nd-round opponents. Wimbledon's dodgy organizers will ensure that Zverev gets drawn as Novak's potential 3rd-round opponent (they might consider placing Kohlschreiber or Karlovic instead here for their experience). Djokovic will get Kyrgios in the 4th round - no question about that. (The British press might even swoon over Kyrgios until the 4th round just to build up his confidence in hope that he beats Novak.) Simon and Lopez will be placed at a safe distance from RF's part of the draw so Federer doesn't have to play them; the organizers would gladly place Simon/Lopez in Novak's quarter but won't simply because it's not mathematically/legally possible to lump ALL good seeded players into Novak's half. Thiem will be Djokovic's most likely QF opponent.

10) Federer's easy draw. Federer will get the worst grass player in the 3rd round out of all players seeded 17-32, most probably Cuevas or Sousa. RF will also get the easiest possible opponent in the 4th round, most probably Ferrer who doesn't excel on grass and who aged 34 is in decline, or Monfils who's never reached Wimby's R4. The easiest possible opponent awaits RF in the QFs too, most probably Berdych who is a pushover in big matches and in decline, and who is certainly less likely to inflict pain on RF than Thiem, Nishikori or Raonic. (Berdych's win over RF at Wimby dates back to 2010; besides, lightning never hits twice, as Wimby's draw manipulators know well.) Giving Murray to Novak in the SFs is like swatting two flies with one hit: not only does Djokovic get the highly motivated former Wimby champ Murray, but Federer gets Wawrinka in his SFs, a great draw for the media darling because grass is by far Stan's weakest surface. RF's first two opponents? They will have an average ranking of 589. One of them will be a 16 year-old British wildcard who'd never even won a match in a Futures event, let alone on the Challenger circuit or the ATP tour.

This is how an ideal Wimbledon draw for RF might look like - and the toughest for Djokovic.

I'll be glad if it turns out that I'm totally wrong and that this is just a figment of my paranoia. We shall see. I certainly don't trust the fairness of draws in a multi-million-dollar business such as tennis - especially at a time when a relatively unpopular player who's been dominating a media-darling Swiss and a Brit *** has just won all 4 slams in succession.

*** Scottish, not English Brit, but English-beggars can't be Wimbledon-choosers

11) Federer will pretend his draw is tough, despite knowing that the draw was probably yet again manipulated to suit him.

12) Lendl won't make any difference as far as Murray is concerned. He will once again reach the QFs or SFs. (Murray, not Lendl.) His inability to beat Federer and Djokovic at the slams continues. (Murray's inability, not Lendl's.)

Murray prepares for all of his London matches by eating a batch of home-grown Scottish strawberries. He doesn't like to throw away his money at English strawberries - one serving of which is the equivalent to three Panama GNPs.

13) Strawberries will still cost a fortune. Whoever is rich or dumb enough to order a portion of this fine fruit might find themselves bankrupt (middle-class buyer), or significantly lighter cash-wise (the upper-class buyer). Those addicted to strawberries are advised to stay away from the All-England Club's grounds: you might find yourself paying off debts for the next 50 years.

Most tennis pros don't eat Wimbledon's strawberries. They can't afford them. Earning only 30,000 pounds for a 1st-round loss, the average slam participant prefers not to lose all their prize money on one tiny desert.

14) The retarded London crowds will still root for Federer - even if he plays Murray. Fedtardation in Britain is estimated to be at around 99%, the highest percentage after India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and U.S. housewives. (U.S. housewives isn't a nation, it is a retarded demographic that watches Oprah and discusses breast implants.) 

15) Fans on Henman Hill will have a vote whether to keep the name, to change it to Murray Mound, or change it to FedererIsMessiahAndOurLordAndAllWhoDon'tBowToHimAndWhoPreferTheSerbAssholeAreInfidelsHill.

The third option will win with 99% of the vote.

16) The recently jailed 94 year-old Auschwitz guard will offer evidence that he is Federer's great-granduncle. The fedtarded world media will be in a frenzy to discredit his testimony, and will invent a story connecting Djokovic's family tree to Mengele, Goebbels and Hess in order to distract attention from Germanic Federer being a Nazi spawn. Djokovic will politely dismiss the rumours as absurd, which the UK press will interpret as "ha! evidence that he's a Nazi! every guilty person uses the word absurd when accused of something they did!"

17) Fedtards will start a petition to ban Djokovic from all tennis events "because he is a war-criminal and a Nazi which we knew all along!" The ATP will respond with a promise to start an inquiry, and a promise to the fedtards that "Novak will be banned from tennis if there is even a grain of evidence found that he is indeed a descendant from a Nazi officer". In the meantime, everyone will conveniently forget that it's Federer who has Nazi heritage.

So... Butthurt by my silly rants?

Relax, it's just a stupid blog. Besides, my predictions might be all wrong! Perhaps the strawberries will be handed out for free - whenever Novak wins a match, as a way for the organizers to celebrate Novak's domination? Maybe the crowds will root for Florian Mayer to win the title? Perhaps a doubles team will win the single's title? Maybe Federer will announce that he is a Mormon and is planning to marry and add Martina Navratilova to his new harem? Maybe Isner will serve 1000 aces in a match with 350 points? Perhaps ticket-buying yuppies in the first rows will start hating Federer and start belting him with tomatoes as soon as he steps onto the court? Who knows, maybe Sereno will grow a vagina and start losing as a result?

Still butthurt? Still offended? Still politically-correctically-challenged? In that case, you must be a humourless libtard. Go and get a lobotomy at any Free Lobotomy Center and then get back to me letting me know how the removal of your tiny brain helped you de-offend yourself.

And remember: grass is for cows, and the French Open is the toughest slam to win.

 

Are you a fedtard? The Church Of Fedtardology is now open! Join them! Be a religious lunatic!

http://vjetropev.blogspot.rs/2016/02/fedtards-10-commandments.html

18.6.2016.